How I Threw Away My Life in My 20s

            I recently read a piece on how to make the most of your 20s. Being 26 I thought I should probably read it because I still have 4 years to make the most of it, and turn things around if I really had to. Upon reading it I realized I did everything wrong. Apparently your 20s should be spent focusing on yourself, not having a serious relationship and essentially being Miss Independent. Since I haven’t in fact been living under a rock, I get this sentiment. I do. I even wrote a poignant poem in Junior High entitled “I’m an Independent Eighth Grade Girl” – it is as riveting as you would imagine and basically expressed everything this article did.

            But alas, I fell in love and we decided to get married right out of college when I was 21 and rather than spend the first 5 years focusing on us and establishing my career we had a baby 11 months after our wedding day… and then we had another! So here I am 26 years old, married for nearly 5 years, with 2 kids. And according to most articles I have read and movies and TV shows I watch I am not experiencing the true joys, sorrows and thrills of my youthful 20s that I should. The world sometimes makes me feel like I should be sad about the decisions I made, that I am missing out on unlimited freedom, crazy nights and the joy of youthful independence, but I don’t feel sad- I feel full.

            I posit this to the world: I would take the joy of a dance party with a 3 year old and a giggling baby all in pajamas to the joy of dancing with strangers in a club, and although there truly is no pain like child birth au natural or the sensation of an unexpected Lego in the small of your foot or seeing your child sincerely sad to say goodbye to you, I am grateful to experience these things in my 20s because I think it has made me a less self-centered person than I would be otherwise.

            I am not a proponent of getting married young per se. I just feel that sometimes the message we get in our 20s is so one-sided and makes little room for the possibility that there just might be other ways to find happiness. I simply grow weary of hearing the same recycled platitudes about how to be an awesome twenty-something year old: Be single! Be irresponsible! Career is everything! My goodness, there are other ways to live it up! Here I was just hoping to suggest another way- how very Generation Y of me.  

Losing Interest in Religion?

Someone close to me, who left the Catholic Church a long time ago, recently said something along the lines of: “I just got to a point where I felt like I was saying the words but they didn’t mean anything to me, I wasn’t feeling it anymore”. I can identify with this statement.

We’ve all sat in the pew, knelt on those kneelers and felt nothing except our own aching knees- moments where we pray and go to mass and don’t feel anything extraordinary, or really anything at all. Does this mean our faith is in vain or that the church is useless? When a woman stops getting butterflies every time her husband walks in the door, does that mean her marriage has lost value? Should she cut her losses and run? We encounter boredom and a lack of feeling in our relationships and commitments, big and small, because that’s a necessary component of what it is to be human. We are lazy and can’t feel the newness of every moment. I don’t think this indicates a lack of depth in the other or in the relationship, but in ourselves. The fact of the matter is that when it comes to faith, even though it is easy to focus on ourselves and what we are getting out of it, it isn’t about us- it is about Him. When we lose sight of Christ, we end up beholding our own ugliness and disparity and our ‘faith’ falls flat.

The word religion is a hard one to trace exactly where the meaning was derived from. Some say it comes from the Latin re meaning again and ligare, which means to bind or connect. The etymology points to a reconnecting between man and God, essentially, a relationship. For most of us, our relationship with God will have low moments, so the question remains- how do we respond to this?

Mother Teresa has left us a beautiful example; she also experienced a dry faith.  She confided in a letter to her close friend “as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, — Listen and do not hear” in reference to the Lord. We know how Mother Teresa responded; she didn’t leave the church but pushed into it. She served the poor and worked for the church and we are all the better for it.

Sometimes people say that religion gets in the way of their relationship with God, but when it’s done right our religion should be our relationship with God. The mass, confession, our community, these make up our relationship with Christ and when we find it lacking we should be willing to persevere- I think it worked out pretty well for Blessed Mother Teresa. 

Marriage: Government Tested, God Approved

              I find it very intriguing that so many people today are having kids with their significant other or living with them but seem deathly afraid of the commitment of marriage. I say this because for me the decision to get married, even though it was a lifelong commitment, was much less daunting than when I first became a mother. In both our engagement and marriage and the natural steps that followed of living together and parenthood, I always felt I was freely moving towards Steve and the ‘next step’, so to speak. I appreciated the ease and security of that.

            I was in the grocery store the other day and being a rapidly expanding pregnant woman, with a 2 year old, I was getting many comments on motherhood. Two different women in separate instances mentioned that they are also expecting a baby with their boyfriends. These comments really made me wonder. Will my daughter be in the minority growing up as a child with two married parents? I was struck by this and left the store mulling over a question: Is there value in living our lives according to the norms the church lays out? I know people do things in all sorts of different ways but is there one way that is truly better than another?

            Like any modern day philosopher I turned to Google for some wisdom and found some relevant answers. To my shock I found the best resource from the Federal Government (I always hoped my tax dollars would actually come back to help me someday). There was an incredibly expansive and costly research effort funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services called the Healthy Marriage Initiative, in place to strengthen marriages and explore the benefits of marriage. Now why would the National Government bother spending millions of dollars to strengthen marriages?

            Science and research give us a pretty extensive answer. Strong, healthy marriages are good both for the children and the spouses involved and produce more productive and happier citizens, which while boosting civic moral, also saves money in the long run in would be criminals, etc. After much time, money and research the findings were a resounding “yes” that healthy marriages are the best for the husband, the wife and the kids. Children benefit from healthy marriages in a number of ways: they are less likely to grow up in poverty, they are emotionally and physically stronger, they are less likely to become sexually active as teenagers and contract STDs and so on¹.

            Of course nothing in life is perfect or clear cut, but don’t we want to put our best foot forward to succeed at arguably our most important relationships and roles in this life? That of being a spouse and a parent. What I am not saying is that there is no hope for those who are participating in or products of other lifestyle decisions. But clearly and truly there is a better and best way to succeed as a spouse and parent. I know what it’s like to be at the brunt of statistics, being the product of a broken home myself. Do I love and respect my parents? Of course. By the grace of God I in many ways overcame the sobering statistics of my situation, but can I say having married parents is better? Yes! I can say yes because it is good and true and it doesn't diminish my value or my parents’ value as people. The church affirms chastity before marriage and the permanence of marriage because they are the best for our happiness and science and reason back these assertions.

            We are living in a world where more and more there is a fear and a refusal to acknowledge that marriage is good and kids are great. Like all truly good and beautiful things sacrifice is necessary for a strong marriage, especially in today’s culture of marriage being so often the very last step rather than the first, but we shouldn’t underestimate the benefits of a solid marriage which are absolutely joyful and certifiably good.

1.       http://archive.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/about/mission.html#background

              

Full of Grace

There have been certain times in my life when I felt uncomfortable about my relationship with Mary. And by Mary I mean the mother of God. I felt that I was supposed to be close with her, as a Catholic, but I just wasn't sure what that was supposed to look like. 

When my sister became pregnant with her oldest son my brothers and I decided to pray a daily rosary for him. We had made a pact of sorts and being in high school I took it very seriously, though I had very little experience with the rosary. This was the seed that started my relationship with Mary, though I didn't fully realize it at the time. 

It began with an admiration for the type of person she was. Whenever I meditated on the joyful mysteries I was struck by how most of the mysteries weren't joyful at all at face value: pregnancy out of wedlock, giving birth far away from home in an uncomfortable barn, the news that "you yourself a sword will pierce" when presenting your baby in the temple and of course losing your young child on a journey for THREE days (I took no issue with the visitation, that always sounded pretty nice to me). Whenever I prayed the joyful mysteries I found myself contemplating what kind of a woman would find these events in her life not only not terrible, but as truly joyful. I was intrigued and felt that she was a strong woman.

When I became a mother I had another encounter with Mary, and it continues to be ongoing. I felt relieved that there was a saint up there who knew the uncertainty and at times the discomfort that pregnancy could bring. I was grateful that I could ask for her intercession for the delivery and for motherhood at large. And today I discover more and more that motherhood draws me closer to my Heavenly Mother and in turn Mary draws us closer to her Son. Praying the sorrowful mysteries the first time as a mother with a young, innocent, vulnerable baby brought me to an overwhelming sense of sorrow that I know only skimmed the sorrow Mary must have endured. How lucky we are to have her as Catholics. How lucky I feel to have her as a Mom. Like a good mother she waits for a deeper relationship with us and when we come to her seeking help she rushes to our aid. 

Mary, Queen of Heaven, pray for us.

The Promise of a Lifetime

          I had the happy privilege of witnessing my close friend’s wedding a few weekends ago. It had been a day that we had been anticipating for a long time. The thing about weddings is that so much time goes into planning them, which is evident in every wedding I have attended. Every detail is planned out: the invitations, flowers, music, food, desert, and even if you are very lucky, a choreographed dance sometimes. But I don’t think any of those details account for the intense joy felt when witnessing the sacrament. As I was watching my radiant friend walk down the aisle, I was trying to pinpoint why this sacrament in particular spreads such palpable joy to those who witness it.

            Without a doubt, we encounter God in every sacrament but I think it is invigorating to see people today make a promise. Everybody likes to see two people in love, but even more to see people make a definitive commitment that brings permanence to their love.

            There are so many wonderful aspects to a wedding but my favorite part is the moment when the two people make vows that they intend to keep: “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, I will love you and honor you all the days of my life”. Sometimes I find it hard to commit to returning my library books on time, or to volunteer for a yearlong commitment, yet here I am in a marriage that I have promised to stay in until I die. It is exciting to see other people do this because I love to see people keep their promises, especially when they have no idea what it may entail or how hard it may be to keep.

            This lifelong promise is impossible for two people to keep. To love and honor one person all the days of one’s life is truly impossible. But luckily for Catholics we are not alone and with God anything is possible. “Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man” CCC 1604. When couples are faithful to their vows it reminds us that we have a God who keeps His promises.

            In his homily the priest reminded us that after the couple takes their vows something new exists that didn't exist before. Marriage is when two people make impossible vows to one another that God seals and then makes possible through His divine love. It is not the same as two people who really love each other, it is something entirely different. Once the promise is made, the couple is bound and no one has the authority to say that they are not, not the couple, not the Catholic Church, not the priest, because a concrete union is formed that cannot be broken until death- that is romantic. It is romantic because it gives us hope in humanity and it gives us something to believe in. It is a greater view of love than any romantic gesture or florid words.

            Unfortunately we see people break promises every day. We have seen divorce and even some of the most promising couples’ relationships crumble but we cannot lose hope. We must persevere in prayer for married couples that they rely on the example of love set out by God, the author of marriage; His example of total love in bearing anything to uphold His promise of salvation to His people: humiliation, pain, death, the cross. If God could endure that to keep His promise, surely we can accept His help to keep ours. 

A Woman's Choice

            I read a fact the other day on the Internet: Eight percent of all babies in the womb who test positive for Down syndrome or a genetic anomaly survive and are born¹. That means 92% of all babies who test positive are aborted. Ninety two percent never get a chance; reading that fact shook me to my core.

            It reminded me of a story I had been told: In the late 80’s a woman found out she was pregnant on her 40^th birthday. She was surprised, but thrilled. At sixteen weeks the infant was tested for Down syndrome and the mother was shocked to hear that her baby tested positive. The doctor told her that according to the numbers, it was one of the most severe cases he had ever seen. He said she would need around the clock assistance just to care for her child’s basic needs. He insisted that she seek an immediate abortion. The mother refused, she said “I want to have this baby”. The doctor replied “No, ma’am, you see I only deliver perfect babies”. The woman looked at him and said “I have five children at home and not one of them is perfect. I am having this baby”. 

            I think of her situation, and the stress of having a big family and knowing the amount of time, resources and attention that would need to go into raising her youngest, but she stayed resolute.

            On September 11^th, 1987 she gave birth. The pediatrician in the delivery room picked up the baby, examined it and said “What are they talking about? This baby is perfect.” I think of the stress, the fear, the uncertainty that mother endured for those months of her pregnancy and I am so thankful for her decision. This is the story of my mother and her pregnancy with me. I am so thankful for her courage, her strength and that she wanted me. I am so thankful that she was willing to sacrifice for me, as she has throughout my life. I am happy I have had the chance to live, to go to college, to get married and to be a mother myself, when all of that could have been wiped away  in a moment if she had decided to go with the doctor’s direction and abort me. I am so grateful for my life and I don’t think I would feel any different or any less grateful if I had been born with Down syndrome. 

            I have heard that story probably a hundred times throughout my life, yet I have never thought of myself as a survivor. The real implications and danger of my situation never really struck me until I read that fact. I feel a sense of grief at my fellow 92% who tested positive and didn’t get the chance to live like I did. I also feel angry and indignant at those who insist, preach even, that no life is better than a difficult one. I wonder, would they feel so strongly if the life in question were their own?

            It is humbling to consider that we are all here because someone said “yes” and wanted us to be here. Not just our mothers, but our God. This week in the Church it is Pentecost and I feel I have a new lease on life. What is going on in our culture is sobering and we need to speak up for those who don’t have anyone to defend them in the womb. Testifying to the Truth in the world and that Jesus Christ is Lord is our mission and I want us to succeed. Christ has revealed Himself to the Apostles and revealed His Power in our lives and we must choose to spread this Good News. Just as the Holy Spirit gave the Apostles power at Pentecost It will also empower us. After all, Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit in Mary’s womb, so who better to help us protect the unborn of today?

1.       http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/(SICI)1097-0223(199909)19:9%3C808::AID-PD637%3E3.0.CO;2-B/abstract

The Beauty within the Church

         Recently I have heard many iterations of the same sentiment, especially in the social media world, that the Church is “failing” us. Sometimes in the Internet realm, as a Catholic, I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. When I read these articles I feel like being Catholic is something laughable or outdated. It seems like it is better and more acceptable to identify yourself as practically anything other than Catholic and pro-life.  I see people using these secular sources and media outlets to understand what the Church is saying on matters. Yet would anyone go to the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops’ website to see how the Phoenix Suns are doing? Even if the USCCB did comment on the Suns most people would go straight to the source to get their information.

            

         I see so much confusion and anger towards the “Church” in the world, yet primarily the Church is made up of us, her members. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church it says “’The Church’ is the People that God gathers in the whole world. She exists in local communities and is made real as a liturgical, above all a Eucharistic, assembly” (CCC 752). The Pope, bishops and priests lead us but the people are the tangible manifestation of the Church in the day to day realities of life. If people are disappointed in the Church, it is up to us as Catholics to show them Love and Charity, “This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). The sacraments, from which we constantly draw strength and grace, aid us in this endeavor.

            Priests are the face of Catholicism to many people. We all know the tragic stories of priests who have fallen into sin. But what never makes the front page of the paper, or even page 15, what no one mentions in their Facebook statuses, are the faithful priests who are doing their best and glorifying God every day, who sit in the confessional for hours every week, who visit the sick, sit with the dying, sacrifice time with their families and friends to be with their parishioners; priests who wake up early every morning to start their day in prayer and stay up late to end it in the same way. Yet they rarely have someone to witness and write about these daily heroic acts of love.

            I know that priests are human, I lived with one. My big brother became a priest two years ago. We expect priests and the church to be made up of perfect, sinless members, yet they are human. I have heard it said many times – if you want better priests, pray for them; they are praying for you.

            There are so many good, holy, Catholic people I encounter the more involved I become with my parish. People I see patiently waiting in the confession line every week. The couples faithfully using Natural Family Planning instead of contraception, who love it and talk about how it is helping their marriage thrive. I see men and women who have experienced the pain of divorce but continue to lead holy lives, going to mass every Sunday and being embraced by our community. The other day I saw a lovely woman from our parish waiting for the bus so she could take Holy Communion to the people in a senior living community, when she herself lives in an assisted living home and doesn’t even have a car. All of these people are trying to live the faith not because they feel oppressed by it but because they love it, because it is making their lives better, and because they have a sincere love for Jesus. They see goodness and the message of Jesus Christ being faithfully spread by the Catholic Church. It is hard not to stand in awe of convicted people doing their best every day and living lives that are pleasing to the Lord. So much beauty is found in those who fill our churches.

            The Catholic Church has provided such joy and truth in my life. The teachings I have struggled with understanding the most, once looked into (using the Catechism, Scripture, talking to priests and other reliable sources) I have come to find make the most sense in a truly beautiful and completely rational way. The sacraments have been a source of grace, aid and joy to me throughout my life. Yes, it is hard sometimes, “How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life” (Matthew 7:14), but like any commitment or worthwhile relationship it requires work and dedication. As G.K. Chesterton said “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried,” No matter where I have been in the world and no matter what day it is I have always been able to find a church with open doors, and for that I am eternally grateful. The Church is not failing, it is alive and well, and if ever we feel it is then we should look inward and discover what it is that we have left untried.